Gratitude makes me feel guilty...
Yep, not something that you hear everyday from a yoga teacher. But for me a gratitude journal just doesn't work. For years I have kept a journal, writing a list of all the wonderful blessings I have in my life. But it just makes me feel sad. Instead of feeling happy, I have a negative emotional response to acknowledging all of the amazing things I am blessed with. A healthy child, caring husband, beautiful home, my yoga studio....the list goes on. I am truly blessed...logically I know this. Emotionally it's a different story.
"Every cell in your body is eavesdropping on your thoughts."
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
Keeping a Gratitude Journal is a popular practice to enhance the quality of life by writing/typing 5 things But for this girl instead of it making me feel good, I feel bad. Like I am doing something wrong. An overwhelming feeling comes over me that I don't deserve what I have. My brain actually works to invalidate the feeling of joy that I am meant to experience.
I have always been someone who can find the positive side of any situation. I spent a good deal of my childhood, thinking of ways to cheer people up. To lessen the burden and suffering of those around me. See, I grew up in a household of people who had real problems. When I would have something that was bothering me or a issue in my life - the health issues and other more important problems - trumped mine. I would recieve messages like "you think thats bad....", "you don't even understand", "let me tell you what a real problem looks like"....
When it came to having good things happen...getting a part in a play, a home run in softball, or a good grade - the luke warm response was just another jolt. So I began to just kept it to myself. Knowing that it would be invalidated in some way. "Things just come so naturally for you", "smarty pants", and "you have it so easy". I started feeling guilty for my gifts, even when I worked hard for them. My Fear of Success was born.
As a coping mechanism I started to minimize what I was doing and try to amplify what they were doing. Even if it was just in my own mind. I would work harder in the hopes someone would notice without me telling them. Truth be told; if they did notice I wasn't able to recieve a compliment or kudos at that point because the lens I was seeing things through was already so cloudy and mucked up.
Fast forward to now, I am working on trying to understand this part of myself and working on changing it. Through journaling, talk therapy, and yoga I am learning to see this deep seeded limiting belief that gets in the way of my own happiness on a daily basis. To understand that I am worthy of good things.
"When you believe you are worthy you will receive what you are worth"
I named this BLOG Changeasana because of how I feel the practices of yoga help me.
Changeasana - Sitting in the seat of change.
Asana = Seat
Change = To make something different from what it is to what it will be.
Yoga helps me to sit with change as it's happening. To be okay with change even when it's uncomfortable and it always is. To invite it in. To welcome it even when I know it's going to be painful.
As Searn Corne beautifully states in her new book Revolution of the Soul...
"May we see beyond our own stories, letting go of everything we think we know and embracing spiritual perception - which is limitless and beyond reason.
May we have the strength and courage to do our inner works so we may confront our limiting beliefs, mature our awareness, and expand our intuitive knowing."
Thank your for meeting me here.